Fear, most wanted thief
When we think of a thief we can imagine burglars or kleptomaniacs. But what about the biggest thief of all time, fear?
Fear-(n) an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.
Oxford Language Definition
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It’s storytime….. I recently witnessed the fear of being hurt as on observer.
A guy who was interested in me and wanted to get to know me mentioned his final goal was marriage and building a family. This was great because these are things I want and I am only seriously dating people who at least have those core desires. We met once, randomly at a breakfast bar, he happened to sit next to me and sparked a conversation based on what I was eating. After a great conversation he asks for my number, I give it to him and mentioned I got out of a situation a little while ago that I am still healing and growing from and I would like to get to know him on a friendship level at the moment. He seems like a great guy, remote IT worker, makes good money, and held a great conversation. Great.
Here I am trying something new, TEXTING. Yep, I do not like to get to know people via text, it’s too much back and forth for the first couple of meet-ups. He goes on to ask “ I never asked if you’re straight or bisexual?” I tell him I am bisexual even though I wondered why that’s such an important question so soon. But I get it, he wanted to know what he was getting into. He then shares the story of his ex-wife leaving him for a woman, I now see why he asked me about my sexuality so soon. I then ask him if he has healed from this situation, he indirectly answers the question “it was 4 years ago lol”. This doesn’t give me an answer so I ask for a “yes” or “no”. He says yes, and shares that his ex-wife hid her interest in women. Her excuse was she “forgot” to tell him. Okay bro, I see your pain here.
I go to assure him I have dated women since college and I am comfortable liking both men and women. Even though I didn’t know if I wanted to get to know him romantically, I explained that to him I desire monogamous relationships because I am simply happy with one partner at a time and satisfied whether it’s a man or woman. The conversation continues and I began to count the times I told him that I am a monogamous lover. Four times is too many for us just meeting, clearly he was stuck on the fact I am bisexual. At this point, I lean towards the feeling of not wanting to get to know him even as a friend because he clearly has resistance towards dating bisexual women but most importantly he was not not understanding that I am happy whether I decide to commit to a man or woman. The text conversation continues.
The second I believe the topic is shifting, he asks me “so how would you deal with your attraction towards women”. Im over it at this point but I inform him that attraction sparks all the because attraction is just that, attraction. I ask him the same question and notice we came to the same answer of being faithful to a parner we are committed to. I believe since I was busexual he was blinded by the fear of me leaving him for a woman and we haven’t even been on a date yet. This is an indicator that he hasn’t worked through the pain he experienced with his ex-wife.
It’s now crystal clear that I am no longer interested in thinking of him as a potential romantic interest but I still think there was potential of us being friends. So share a podcast with him about open marriage. I do preface saying “ Tust and security is important, I am a monogamous lover but I learned a lot from how this couple navigates jealousy, hard conversations, etc.” Podcast: here he repli. He replies “ I’ve been listening to the podcast
I think I will pass on this. I feel you’re not sure what you want . You can’t eat your cake and still have it. Be true to what you want . Any take care and bye”. Then blocks me!
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I am not mad at the guy because I have tried to protect myself from situations that has hurt me in the past from reoccuring. Like him, I was so fixated on protecting myself that I didnt give myself the chance to experience what was happening in the present moment. I blocked myself from truly allowing love in or whatever the outcome could have been into my experience. I was blocked.
Fear is the thief of joy, peace, love, and so much more. As I heal and allow more love and ease into my life, this has been a beautiful sign on my journey to stay committed to healing. Knowing my truth and understanding how fear did not let him see what I was actually saying showed me how frustrating it can be on the other side of it. I have been in his shoes several times in the past and that is a place I do not want to be in anymore.
I see more clearly how I once thought of fear as a friend that kept me safe.I now see fear as the over protective parent that doesn’t allow me to encounter life experiences that will contribute towards growth and healing. Getting to this point has been a jouney with many challenges and facing parts of me I an not proud of. I share this because I appreciate what God has shown me because i’ve asked for affirming signs and inspiration to embark on this very hard yet beautiful journey of becoming the best version of myself.
